MARRIAGE IS A DYING OR DEAD MONARCH!

Kuttanlifeissues

MARRIAGE IS A DYING CONVENTION!  (Part III)

Ichabod! The glory is departed for good and it’s all pedestrian today. Romance is over within a few days; it is comparable, if at all, to sipping a cup of coffee together.

The presence of a mangalsutra—or its equivalent token/s—around a female partner’s neck (why not the male too carry a token please?) is no guarantee at all that the marriage shall last all through life; the man may, just as the women may, get into other relationships. Both may –like “Mr” and “Mrs” Smith in that hilarious Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie film keep up pretensions to remain together till they are blown—or summarily abscond from marital obligations too with or without own kids!

Living Together (without any wedding ceremony at all) has been tried with some success in many Indian cities and towns but it carries its own related problems.

Remaining chronic bachelors…

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MARRIAGE IS A DYING OR DEAD MONARCH!

MARRIAGE IS A DYING CONVENTION!  (Part III)

Ichabod! The glory is departed for good and it’s all pedestrian today. Romance is over within a few days; it is comparable, if at all, to sipping a cup of coffee together.

The presence of a mangalsutra—or its equivalent token/s—around a female partner’s neck (why not the male too carry a token please?) is no guarantee at all that the marriage shall last all through life; the man may, just as the women may, get into other relationships. Both may –like “Mr” and “Mrs” Smith in that hilarious Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie film keep up pretensions to remain together till they are blown—or summarily abscond from marital obligations too with or without own kids!

Living Together (without any wedding ceremony at all) has been tried with some success in many Indian cities and towns but it carries its own related problems.

Remaining chronic bachelors or spinsters also has been tried by many but it’s well acknowledged today that this is far from what the male and female body normally expects; to that extent it is artificial. Going on the spirituality bandwagon is of course abnormal.

Diverting sexual energy and passions to something noble in itself—this is called sublimating–like running an Old Age Home or orphanage has also been trued but it also carries some issues of intense loneliness.

After all, Man is a social animal and he can’t live by bread alone!

The Indian society as of today is too severely understaffed, under-equipped and even under skilled to deal with this one issue that smothers thousands of lives. Evidently the Indian Hindus have no standing mechanism to address such an issue but then they tend to pass the buck to Fate.

The Christians, slightly braver, are having in town persons to impart pre-nuptial counseling and post marriage counseling but even then the Church is not often successful in guiding the new couple to find real joy together. The Muslims also are fighting hard this major issue among their youth but with so-so success.

The way its waves of inter gender attachment and togetherness-linked bonhomie are getting shattered on the rocks of hard reality and emotional compatibility issues, marriage may soon cease to be an ‘unmarked’ social convention! Instead, if Jack decides to wed Jill in a church, it’s going to be a marked sensational event in the whole region!

Premarital separations are far better than post marital ones for obvious reasons. Either partner has the freedom to backtrack in the light of detection, discovery of truth, or even personal reasons. No counseling of any kind is needed at the pre-marital stage but it may be tried by the more interested party even then.

But this may not be allowed to happen till it’s all over. It’s the parental footprint and finger print that one detects in A to Z aspects of every Indian marriage –even in minutiae–till the partners find the going too unfavorable to themselves.

Way too much external interference from the parents (who claim to have done what they have out of their good intentions if awkward though unsustainable ones!)  has spoilt a considerable number of marriages fort good today. Mutual recriminations go on all through life at least against the female partner, if not also against the male one.

Often no amount of counseling can help the estranged couple come to terms and the woman it is that normally finds her life the more difficult in this country. If the couple has had kids the latter make it still more unendurable for the mother to swim against the prevailing social currents.

One major reason behind divorce-friendly mindset in a partner is the conflict between priorities. The issues relating to successfully managing work life balance we know something about but there can be other confrontations too as well.

WRONG PRIORITIES: THE HIDDEN VILLAINS!

(a)      Chasing External Beauty vs. Examining Durability:

Skin beauty has its limits and here is Yeats chanting in glowing lines about the limits of that external beauty and feminine glow!

“You may, that mirror for a school,

Be passionate, not bountiful

As common beauties may,

Who were not born to keep in trim

With old Ezekiel’s cherubim

But those of Beauvarlet.

I know what wages beauty gives,

How hard a life her servant lives,

[To a Young Beauty by WB Yeats]

The problem here is again wrong priority given by both young men and young woman to how a person LOOKS outside!

“What is Truth?” asked Pontius Pilate and wouldn’t wait for an answer.

Similarly let me ask you what true beauty is! Where can you and I find it?

Our young men place far too much importance on HOW their chosen women look than HOW they behave. Our young women place far too much emphasis on HOW much moolah the boy is expected to bring in month after month rather than how good he is at heart! Both arrive at own conclusions, preferences and conclusions through closed door discussions with peers but without asking their own elders or senior relatives.

Our young men-helplessly unequipped to lead a responsible lifestyle as householders and lovable hubbies—tend to think that they are fortunate if only they get a lovely nymph-like girl. They feel pride in her external beauty and not in her quantum of internal goodness or otherwise!

In other words, they don’t really know WHERE true beauty resides!

(To be continued in Part IV)

DIVORCE MINDSET GALORE! PART II

Kuttanlifeissues

DIVORCES GALORE-PART II

Let’s begin with analyzing an actual confession of a young woman—a name like Reena would do– that has filed for a divorce. Here are her actual words for you to let sink in:

“My first night itself was a nightmare, Sir!” said she with scalding tears streaming down her cheeks. After a pause she added,” The brutality of that man frightened me no end and this continued for many days. He screamed at me, slapped both my cheeks till they got puffed up,  hit me in the eye and even and kicked me almost daily and cursed me for being a burden on him. His parents were also pretty rude to me as if I came like an intrusive fly from outside into their home!

“They demanded that I push my parents on to the street and then hand over the house to them! This continued for…

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DIVORCE MINDSET GALORE! PART II

DIVORCES GALORE-PART II

Let’s begin with analyzing an actual confession of a young woman—a name like Reena would do– that has filed for a divorce. Here are her actual words for you to let sink in:

“My first night itself was a nightmare, Sir!” said she with scalding tears streaming down her cheeks. After a pause she added,” The brutality of that man frightened me no end and this continued for many days. He screamed at me, slapped both my cheeks till they got puffed up,  hit me in the eye and even and kicked me almost daily and cursed me for being a burden on him. His parents were also pretty rude to me as if I came like an intrusive fly from outside into their home!

“They demanded that I push my parents on to the street and then hand over the house to them! This continued for several weeks till I felt my whole body aching for unknown reasons and at long last I told my parents about it. They took it lightly at first but then relented and rang up my in-laws.

“Everything we had been told about Ramesh (name changed) –his age, education level, employment, income and financial status- were false as both my parents had come to know by this time.

“Then those people came up and started screaming at us.

This was what forced us to the family court lawyer!”

What do we see here as sensible men and women? I see only a huge instance in real life of downright hypocrisy, pretensions of an evolved kind, asymmetry between word and deed, misconception of sex act as an exercise in brutality, cheating, deception, dishonest that is pre- meditated ;wrong priorities frustrated, castles in the air crumbled down and much more!

Wrong priorities frustrated?

Well we shall take that up here for analysis!

WRONG PRIORITIES:

Wrong prioritizing is one major reasons why marriages collapse on the rocks of reality.

Both families and individuals across the 20-80 age range are guilty in this respect. Forgivable extenuating circumstances attach ONLY to the younger persons here—i.e. the kids– since they arrived on the scene later than the parents!

Wrong priorities come from wrong habits imbibed at home—and wrong habits stem from wrong partisan comments and remarks by parents in the presence of growing kids! Most parents score a duck when it comes to real responsible parenting.

I would ask any parent the following queries before I reach a conclusion!

How far are your and my sons—imagining them to be bachelors– capable of viewing their upcoming wedded lives this way please?

Have YOU asked yourself this crucial question sometime when your boys were growing?

Did you ever take pains to equip them with the right skills to manage a family of his own and to co-habit with another person of another gender from another home background happily?

Have you spent time out with him to let him bond with adequate intensity with you both? Have you built castles of your own in the air too as a parent of a boy?

How have you set borderlines of behavior for him at home? How did you deal with his early vices like spiting on the floor or speaking in a loud voice?

How successful have YOUR marital lives been, pray?

Have you ever squabbled and argued in the open with your wives regardless of your kids’ presence?

Have you accused your hubbies ever? Have you cursed yourself or beaten your breast or tear your hair? Have you ever thought afterward about what the consequence of such a session would be on your kids’ psyches?

How do you rate as a role model for your son please?

What do you expect the public at large to say about him after you are gone for good?

Have you personally transgressed laws or gone to prison or drunk yourself into ending up as a boozed-up mass of staggering flubbery protoplasm or broken traffic laws?

Have you smoked and yet advised your kids against smoking?

Let’s, dear parents anywhere, first of all get it into our own systems that we are but lubricants and facilitators and nothing more!

We are not our children nor are our children what we did not become! Our kids are children of a future India that we shall never live long enough to see!

So what is our primary responsibility—to properly equip our sons and daughters with the actual home-making skills (Assume that they are obtaining professional skills elsewhere!!)  that they are going to require before they touch 30—pleasing conversational habits, habit of appreciation, open-mindedness, a strong family identity, affection for parents and elders, some respect for the other gender, devotion to the Almighty, real affection for the kids, good manners, social skills and much more!

This, in case you don’t know it, is a full time job that both of you must take turns in imparting with NO compromise!

Never, never delegate your wives to do this solo because they alone CAN’T succeed! Hubbies also can’t do this vast repertory of skills alone!

Neglecting this aspect of your personal life away from your office can cost you dear even after you die, for your kids will turn out to be failed and boorish husbands and utterly spoilt wives and you shall turn in your grave for sure listening to recriminations from many strangers’ lips about your incompetence!!

Allocating wrong priorities –a vicious habit if you do have it–can be illustrated with the examples below:

  • Giving more importance to external looks than character and substance of the partner’s personality;
  • Giving more importance to extraction of material assets and cash from the other family than analyzing how really valuable the partner promises to be;
  • Giving more importance to temporary physical bliss than to lifelong emotional euphoria
  • Approaching marriage with zero vision/plan/foresight is given importance over having and using these in advance.
  • Being too impatient and impulsive over taking own time to reach a wise conclusion!
  • Giving less importance to family values that one needs to have along with the partner and kids than to the money the partner may bring month after month!
  • Now we shall take these up for an investigation!

(To be continued in Part III)

OLD WINE IN A NEW BOTTLE FOR YOU!

Kuttanlifeissues

FOOT-DRAGGING DIVORCE SUITS: A CURSE!

India drags her foot in a lot of areas—much against what the people of India really want to see-and protracted marital litigations are just one among many.

John Masefield has sung in a poem –“Cargoes–about the “ Quinquereme of Nineveh from distant Ophir” bringing—with majestic slowness– “emeralds peacocks and gold moidores” over the high seas. India moves at quinquereme speed at times and in many crucial areas!

The government machinery is often too slow to react when a place like Pathankot or Mumbai falls under attack. The corruption cases get so hotly contested till all evidence is tabled that it takes many months to prove anything at all. A school year fails to meet its DTB (Desired terminal behavior) objective when three fourths of the year is lost in student unrest, processions and protest gestures. Even burglary takes more than 15 years to be presented…

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OLD WINE IN A NEW BOTTLE FOR YOU!

FOOT-DRAGGING DIVORCE SUITS: A CURSE!

India drags her foot in a lot of areas—much against what the people of India really want to see-and protracted marital litigations are just one among many.

John Masefield has sung in a poem –“Cargoes–about the “ Quinquereme of Nineveh from distant Ophir” bringing—with majestic slowness– “emeralds peacocks and gold moidores” over the high seas. India moves at quinquereme speed at times and in many crucial areas!

The government machinery is often too slow to react when a place like Pathankot or Mumbai falls under attack. The corruption cases get so hotly contested till all evidence is tabled that it takes many months to prove anything at all. A school year fails to meet its DTB (Desired terminal behavior) objective when three fourths of the year is lost in student unrest, processions and protest gestures. Even burglary takes more than 15 years to be presented in a court of law.

It’s as if Time stands still across India in some cases!

Why does this happen?

UNTOLD STORIES AND GLIB LIES:

A million subterranean truths and lies of the blackest kind may be hidden behind a divorce suit. None of them may come out unless it is a court of law. After all it’s not Mr. Perfect and Ms. Perfect that find themselves saying “I do!” in front of the altar! Each partner brings into the marital home his or her own oddities by the dozen, vices, USPs, complexes that have evolved and or reinforced, linguistic weaknesses, etiquette angularities and much more.

In those days when I used to visit a neighboring gymnasium in Chittur, Palakkad—a remote village with a stupid public college–, I was told that a male human must be able to see his own organ when he stands up at all times  over his washboard stomach and that it alone measured up to perfect health. In many cases the man may take it easy and grow a generous belly and this affects his performance in bed. The women think of all ways to articulate what they sincerely feel- withering disgust- because he is enveloped within his ego capsule at all times. So they find no option but to file a case against him.

Or the women may have their own physiological issues and may expect the menfolk to take them to hospital. But the men glibly may have taken it for granted that their women are always on the ready and available to them. This typically male, boorish indifference is of course unforgivable by Western standards. It may invite a divorce suit!

The other day, in contrast, I got buttonholed by a middle aged man aged 43 and thus had to listen to a hubby whose 30 year old wife had fled him when his beer belly exceeded ordinary size and his gait resembled a pregnant woman’s waddling movement!

I understood his real unmentionable imponderable issue and then mildly suggested to him to take some daily workout. But to no avail. He asked me suddenly if I didn’t consider him handsome! The man lived within his Ego Capsule! His wife had been away from him for 48 months by now and not even once had she rung him up. And like any foolish man, he was still wearing his heels away in a court of law wasting his precious time!

The man-let’s call him Johnny- asked me for some assistance in getting his sons in that woman educated and then said that his divorce suit was still dragging on in the family court. I asked him to let go and let his wife have her way for having given up their sons without any protest. I advised him to focus his whole attention on empowering his sons from now on!

COURT ACTION SCENARIOS

Parentally-arranged weddings often result within days or weeks in a boom and crash and the young couple find themselves unable to pull along together. Jack files a divorce suit against Jill or vice versa when this happens.

But the filing of such a suit is overrun with all kinds of strange visitors to both their homes wherever these may be located in a metropolis -those storm petrel lawyers that deliberately give a twist to any simple trifling incident or behavior trait in the opponent person, or the pacifiers /peacemakers that resort to Destiny to underestimate the real pinching of the shoe.

”Sir, cant it be that Mary ignored your presence deliberately the other day when she was standing next to you at the neighboring bakery?” one would ask, or “Dear madam,

Think about where your Admirable Crichton hubby used to be from 5 pm till 11 pm on those days when you had your Sai Bhajan! Do give that some importance to this simple fact rather than remain fooled into the belief that he was worshipping some divine personage!”

The Pacifiers, usually men or women in their late sixties, would pat softly on the back of the depressed hubby in some hard liquor bar or temporarily infuriated woman and then say, “My dear, it’s all destiny and nothing else! Accepting it is the best way because you can’t fight against Destiny can you? It’s all written in some mysterious coded script on the top of your head Sir/madam!”

The court sessions are especially interesting when the case being heard is a marriage on the rocks.

The opposing lawyer would ask the woman in the case the most indecent and embarrassing queries and then look up into the heavens and reach conclusions that boomerang—in the minds of the listeners in the court at least– upon her temperament or character!

He might ask the woman, “Dear madam! Please take a second look at that man your opponent! Are you absolutely sure that that man is your own sworn hubby and no impostor? Couldn’t you be mistaken when you alleged that a man resembling him went into Ms. Anna’s house of ill repute? Was it this same person or someone else? ”.

Or he might raise a doubt about her honesty, ”Wasn’t it you dear madam that had thought of going away from your house with all your parental wealth as Jessica had done in Shakespeare’s play “The Merchant of Venice”? How come that you raised some doubt about his potency after you got a son? Is he from this same man or from a neighbor?”

What happens in most divorce litigations is action within the four walls of the court and nowhere else.

Both opposing lawyers take the same food from the same hotel counter and share a puff and even hug each other. Only the plaintiff and defendant are carefully coached to snarl and show their fangs at each other on all occasions without exception! The judge does his routine job, acceding to the requests of either one lawyer or the other in a generous spirit and then goes home!

WHY NOT SOME FAST-TRACK COURTS FOR DIVORCES PLEASE?

To prove your nationalism you need only to chant “Bharat mata ki Jai” if at all, dear reader, but how can your marital fidelity get convincingly proved in a court of law? In no way .The magistrate or judge is compelled to believe what you say unless you opponent partner has enough visible evidence to prove that you are unfaithful.

And take my word for it, so long as you are a man born and brought up in this country, national patriarchy is on your side and she can’t get that proof so long as you are one step ahead of her in intelligence and planning!

Fast track courts for instantaneous divorces are possible hypothetically but not in reality because the court tends to adopt a lenient viewpoint in favor of the woman. The lawyer exploits this loophole to extend and postpone a hearing or final trial. Both lawyers milk those that had till recently been nothing but close life partners as much as they possibly can and also give both of them mountains of agony.

At the end the woman is left in the lurch to be a single parent for the rest of her life with or without the kids and the man is given the freedom to marry again! She has no reputation to lose by that time. The man is never put behind bars for splurging the dowry amount except given a warning that he needs to pay her back over the next 20 years the amount in instalments!

Bah! What a horrible scenario!

No wonder this is a country where more married men and women endure life quietly and agonizingly- —  a few decades of emotional malnutrition and downright starvation–and where incidence of marital rape is more common than real marital bliss—in 90% homes across the caste barriers!

No wonder the phrase “innocently divorced” (What a piquant pithy funny phrase at that!) is the most commonly seen expression in the Wanted Grooms” columns in Matrimonial Advertisements page!

 

 

 

 

 

ARE YOU TOO HEADED TOWARDS SPLITSVILLE?

Kuttanlifeissues

ARE YOU TOO HEADED TOWARDS SPLITSVILLE?

Kerala is fast sprinting –Usain Bolt fashion- towards attaining the title “The Divorce State of India” Having registered a 40 % rise over the rates of the past year—from 19208 to a whopping 26885 case files—If this graph is extended to the next year at least 50000 divorces will take place.

Something is radically insufferably un-endurably WRONG with the way we conduct our children’s weddings and with everything associated with a wedding too!

What I promised you earlier –a blog on “Malnutrition”- will cast a decided sideways glance here also since sexual malnutrition and intense emotional hunger among married couples is a gross if unmentioned reality among us!

I shall be blogging on this topic in an investigative manner after my lunch today!

After all every stake holder involved in a wedding-the young men and women, their parents and social activists- must unlearn much…

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